Time time time

I was walking my dog the other day and thinking about the doll collection that my mother started for me. So many beautiful dolls that now all belong to my little girl. One doll in particular stands out in my mind — my custom cabbage patch made by my mom for my 12th birthday. It has blond hair and blue eyes, just like me, and is adorable. My daughter now plays with it.

So as I was walking and thinking about my cabbage patch doll it dawns on me that I should have my mom sign the bottom of my doll, just like the “real” cabbage patch dolls. Her version would be branded just like the originals. Then it hits me. Mom’s gone. She can’t sign anything, let alone a doll she made over 25 years ago for me.

It is amazing to me that three years later I can still have fleeting “Mom is still alive” moments. This happened  a lot right after she passed, practically every day. I’d wake up in the morning and for a few brief seconds I would not remember, then CRASH. The stabbing pain in my heart would return. But time has kept on and, while the pain is still there, it is not as acute as it once was.

Meme and I had a long conversation about this and she remarked that it would be impossible for our bodies to sustain the acute grief pain for any prolonged period of time. I agree. I also believe that our mind protects us from all kinds of pain, which is why we have those moments of, for lack of a better word, denial memory. Just like I have physically forgotten the pain of childbirth, I have physically forgotten the initially acute pain of losing my mother. Now when I have the random thought that my mother is still alive, I feel a stab in my heart, but it’s not the same; just like I can have a random bodily pain that reminds of childbirth, but is also not the same. That has to be why, even three years later, I can briefly forget that Mom is gone.

What do you think?


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